I CAN MOONWALK!
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
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