What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
try to milk me bitch
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
