1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
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There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
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I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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