I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
