so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
