yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
