i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize