It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
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You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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