Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
