Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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