My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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