do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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