Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
