Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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