I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
