it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
