3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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