Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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