i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
