Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
