i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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