I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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