I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
We just shotgunned beers for America
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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