It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Randomize
