i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
