You just made me feel so damn special
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
