she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
