Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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