Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
