My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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