Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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