God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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