Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
