Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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