i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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