You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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