I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize