So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
