she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
