Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
