I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
