Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
This toilet bowl is my home.
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