I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
