the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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