My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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