shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
