I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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