she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
