I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
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my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
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He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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