the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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