His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
