Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
My life is pants optional.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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