Whoa Z and x make the same sound
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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