you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
